Einstein

Barack Obama

Bill Gates

JK Rowling

Warren Buffet

Steven Spielberg

Michael Jordan

That’s quite a diverse selection of people.  They’re all known for a diverse set of achievements. But they all have one thing in common.  They’re all introverts.

Sometimes for introverts it can feel like the workplace or adult life in general, is more favoured towards extroverts.  That extroverted behaviour is seen as the desired way to be.

But that selection of successful achievers shows that you can achieve great things, even if you are introverted.

The key is in getting your introverted needs met and working to your preferred style. Then you can soar in the workplace.  That’s why it’s important for introverted children to grow up understanding their needs and valuing their introvert qualities.  Introverts can start to compare themselves unfavourably to extroverts from a young age. Mainly from the messaging they receive that extroverted qualities are more desired than introverted traits.

However, some of the qualities that introverts can bring to the workplace are highly valued:

• A strong focus to their work
• An understanding of the big picture and any connections within
• An ability to work on their own
• An ability to go into depth on big projects
• Creative ideas and solutions from mulling over a problem and looking at it from different angles
• Extensive preparation before they take action
• Working well 1-2-1 with colleagues 

But instead some of these qualities can be ignored if someone is being looked at from an extroverted perspective.  Why don’t they join in group activities more?  Why are they so quiet?  Why do they seem hesitant to take action? It can appear that introverts are too risk averse at times, or slow to take action. But we tend to more considered in our approach, assessing what to do after spending a lot of time looking at all the different possibilities for action and their consequences. In comparison, extroverts can look like they are bolder and more go getting than the more thoughtful introvert. Certainly in the Western world, extrovert stereotypes seem to be more favoured than introverts. Introverts are quite often talked about in terms of needing to be ‘fixed’:

• he needs to talk more
• he is too hesitant and needs to be more decisive
• she is not a team player and needs to join in more with others

I believe an appreciation of introverted qualities should start young.  So that introverts don’t undervalue themselves later on in life. and so that others can understand an introvert’s needs and why they have certain behavioural preferences. I personally didn’t know what introversion was until I was 40, which is far too late. Children need to be taught what introversion is at a young age, so that they can understand themselves and others. a lack of understanding of yourself can lead to a lack of self-acceptance. which can have enormously negative impacts on your self-esteem. You can grow up hearing a lot of negative messages about your introverted style/preferences.

I know that if I had been taught about my introversion at young age then I would have grown up with far more self-esteem and wouldn’t have had a complex about the following introverted behaviours:

• my need for alone time to recharge
• my need for a little bit of time to think over what I am going to say
• my liking for having a few friends, but getting to know them really well and properly connect with all of them
• my preference for working on my own, rather than working in talkative groups all the time
• my having a deep well of concentration when I’m working, making it hard to deal with lots of interruptions.

What I didn’t realise until I was 40, was that there are actual physical reasons for why I have those preferred behaviours. And that I’m not the only one! That made an enormous difference. And made me quite frustrated that I hadn’t been taught this when I was growing up. For example, introverts are wired up differently to extroverts. Whereas extroverts get energised by being around other people. Introverts are the opposite. They get really drained by being around other people, in noisy environments, for too long. Think of the implications for that in regards to your learning environment in school and your workplace environment when you’re older. I basically thought the extroverted way of behaving was the ‘correct’ way and that the introverted way of behaving was just personal to me and ‘wrong’. But if I had known there were physical reasons behind my need for wanting to be on my own at times, in quieter environments, then there would have been self-acceptance for the way I am. I think you can see just on that point, the consequences for not understanding your introversion and how you are wired up differently extroverts. So you can begin to see on that point alone why there is a need for introverts to be understood and for them to accept their own needs. And there are several other areas where an introverted style is different to extroverts because they have different physical reactions to situations.

So let’s start look at the positives in introverts. And help young introverts look up to their introverted role models. Because these role models can show them that their quieter style can indeed lead to success.

Every one of us knows what it is like to be given a label.  They are often short cuts for describing someone which can be useful…. if you’re focussing on one particular area, at that particular time.  But the problem is they can have such a narrow focus and timeframe, that they can be less than useful when applied to someone generally.  And there can also be problems when someone identifies with a label given to them 

Labels can be given to us from many different sources.  They can come from our parents, or other family members.  They can come from friends.  They can come from teachers at school.  They can even come from colleagues at your workplace in later life. 

But these labels can be very restrictive.  They cannot possibly define all of who you are.  As I mentioned, they are just short cuts.  But short cuts can leave out nuance and can be far too general.  

A Shy Boy

I was given a label when I was young of being very shy, very quiet.  And there were most definitely times when I was shy and quiet.  But the problem was that at times I believed that was who I was, and it almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  “I’m shy therefore I will react in this situation the way a shy person would.”  But this train of thought can be far too general.  I wasn’t shy all the time.  I did notice that and would add some caveats.  “I’m shy when I first meet people.”  Or, “I’m shy and need to feel a connection with someone until I feel I can open up to them.”  But if I look back at my social interactions over the years, that’s not always the case.  My responses in social situations were much more varied than that.  I started to notice that my caveats didn’t cover all the different ways that I behaved/reacted when I was out meeting other people.

The problem with labels is that they can soon become very limiting.  In fact, if you start to believe them then you can soon restrict yourself.  You can limit your potential options in life by deciding how a person of your personality might behave in a particular situation.  But this can deny our opportunity to change.  I used to have rigid beliefs on who I was and this stopped me from going for things that I could have maybe achieved or maybe massively enjoyed.  However, a couple of things really helped me reassess my capabilities and my assessment of myself.

In 2005 I ran a half-marathon non-stop.  And I trained for it in 10 weeks!  I had never run more than a couple of miles prior to that.  But each week I trained with a friend and we were able to run the distance in training without stopping.  Whilst I was delighted with my achievement, it also shocked me.  I had never been sporty, so it really made me look at myself again.  I had really gone outside of my comfort zone and done something that I would never have previously contemplated as possible.  But there I was, running the distance after 10 weeks of prep.  It genuinely made me think, “If I can run a half marathon, what other things could I do that I previously thought I had no chance of achieving?”

Public Speaking

One area that can provoke feelings of anxiety in anyone is public speaking.  Apparently surveys have shown that people are more scared of speaking in public than they are of dying!  Which does seem a tad extreme.  Anyway, it was definitely an area that petrified me.  It wasn’t an area that I could in any way envisage that I would be able to become proficient at all.  But that was all about to change….

I had joined a breakfast networking group.  The kind where you would have to give a one minute elevator pitch.  And I used to absolutely dread giving just a one minute pitch.  As the people round the table would do their pitch and it would come to me, I could feel my stomach tighten.  I’d usually get by but would feel really uncomfortable with the process.  And every six months…. You would have to give a 10 minute presentation.

With that frightening prospect beckoning I decided to join Toastmasters.  It was with them that I started a journey that would be one of the most fulfilling in my life.  Running a half marathon was tremendously satisfying.  But with Toastmasters, I was able to become reasonably competent at speaking in public.  Being someone who had been labelled as chronically shy, this was a major breakthrough.  I came to actually enjoy my sessions at Toastmasters.  So when they day came that I had to do my 10 minute presentation to my breakfast networking group, not only did it go really well.  But believe it or not, I actually felt comfortable and relished some of it.  Again, it really made me question who I was.  Surely I was the shy person?  Surely someone as chronically shy as me couldn’t do something like that?

Unlimited Possibilities

But that’s the problem with labels.  They can be simplistic and shut off possible avenues for us.  Each of us is unique.  With capacity to behave differently.  And capacity to react differently in different situations.  It’s not a given that we will be exactly the same, even if the circumstances we are in are very similar.  I came to see myself as someone who was occasionally shy.  Someone who was occasionally reserved. But someone who could be occasionally confident and gregarious.  

Labels don’t tend to take into account our thinking in the moment.  My reactions to situations are determined by my thinking in the moment in those situations; which thoughts are coming up as I experience that situation. These thoughts are not going to be the same all the time.  So my reactions and my experience will not be the same all the time.  I’m not going to think ‘shy’ thoughts every time I’m out meeting new people.  But occasionally I am.  It still happens these days.  But I just see it for what it is.  An experience where I felt shy.  But not an experience with which to label all my other possible future social interactions.

This can have major implications for us.  Our limited thinking can hold us back at times.  It can stop us from going for things that might be really fulfilling.  But my Toastmasters experience taught me that I was more than my occasional very shy thinking.  There are times when I cast off those restrictive chains and push myself out there.  Creating a future for ourselves based on our labels can be way off from what the actual possible reality could be.

A couple of years ago I decided to take the leap and move down to Cornwall.  Where I didn’t know anybody.  Some times I’ve found it difficult meeting new people.  Other times I’ve really enjoyed it.  Who knows what each social experience will bring.  Certainly, my old label of ‘shy’ doesn’t cover my wide range of social experiences where I now live.

One of my favourite parts of being a primary school teacher is reading stories to the class.  Stories are so much fun.  The children get really engaged with them.  They love to learn about the characters, what adventures they go on and what mysterious lands they might visit.  They are great for opening up the imaginations of the children.  Plus they can introduce them to great story ideas and interesting vocabulary.  On top of that, picture books have beautiful drawings that can add even more atmosphere to a story. Even I can remember some of my books from my childhood…. and that’s quite a few years ago!  

There are some lovely stories for quieter children that I would like to highlight.  Stories can be fantastic at talking to us about ourselves.  We can feel comfort from stories of characters who live lives that we can relate to.  Not all children want to invade foreign lands and fight scary monsters to save the princess.  So it’s important that children who like to retreat into their own rich inner world can have characters that like to do the same.  Or children who are on the quieter side, can read about characters who live that way as well…. and flourish.

A couple of books I’ve read recently are “I Go Quiet” by David Ouimet and “Quiet Girl In A Noisy World” by Debbie Tung.  Introverted children might benefit from a brief description of what their needs are, so that they can understand their behaviours.  But there is nothing like immersing yourself in a story to really feel something; to really be impacted.  So beautiful stories like the two I’ve mentioned, are valuable for quieter children who worry there is something wrong with them.  To quote Neil Gaiman, “I wish these stories had been around when I was a child.  I would have not felt quite so alone.”

This can be a tool in helping introverted reframe how they look at themselves.  Self-acceptance is vital to confidence.  Having that inner acceptance is more important than dressing up to feel empowered or saying the right things to appear confident.  Having the confidence to be yourself is truly valuable to living an authentic life. 

So let’s celebrate how awesome introverts can be and let’s have more stories about those of us who are on the quieter side of life.

It was National Introverts Week a couple of weeks ago.  How many of you knew that?  

I do feel that knowledge of introversion is becoming more widespread, but at a very slow pace.  Susan Cain’s gave introversion a massive shift into public consciousness with her famous TED Talk and her excellent book “Quiet: The Power Of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking”.  But it does feel introversion is still something that very few people really understand.  Which is part of the reason that I have set up Introvert Learning.  It’s not just for extroverts understand their introverted family, friends and colleagues.  It’s also for introverts to understand themselves.  I truly believe that when people understand how introverts are wired up differently to extroverts, then there will come acceptance.  Acceptance of introverts by extroverts.  And acceptance of introverts by themselves.

Extroverted ways of behaving are still seen as the desired way to act.  People are often judged against extrovert criteria.  This can create issues for introverts.  We can extrovert ourselves some of the time.  But the more time we do that, and the less time we spend recharging our energy levels, then the more tired we get.  If introverts are unaware of their need to find some peace and quiet to recharge, then they can unintentionally drain themselves.  I’m not suggesting that all introverts should live like hermits and appear in public twice a year.  But an understanding of our biological needs leads to an acceptance of behavioural differences from extroverts.  This can lead to better health and better life choices.  That is much more preferable to trying to deny our introversion and beating ourselves up for being a poor version of an extrovert.

‘Negative’ Introvert Behaviours

Making introverts comfortable with themselves should start when they are children. Working in schools I can see some unwitting labelling of classic introvert behaviours as negative. But a fuller understanding of how introvert issues can reframe these behaviours in a more positive light.

• spending time on our own
• taking time to speak
• not joining in group activities as freely as extroverts
• not indulging in small talk
• finding environments overstimulating

All of the above behaviours can lead to judgements. But an understanding of the requirements of introverts can help explain those behaviours and view them more sympathetically.

• spending time on our own – this is needed for introverts to recharge and reenergise properly. We get tired spending all our time around lots of other people. We need this downtime to top up our energy levels so that we can face the world refreshed.
• taking time to speak – introverts use different pathways in the brain when retrieving information and thinking about what they want to say. This ‘delay’ in answering a question is not necessarily a lack of knowledge. It can be us taking the time we need to formulate a proper answer.
• not joining in group activities as freely as extroverts – it can be difficult and tiring for introverts to join in group activities. But put us on our own, with the required time to think and we can come up with novel and creative solutions to problems that our deep thinking minds have mulled over in our heads.
• not indulging in small talk – we prefer depth to breadth! So we might not be too lively when indulging in small talk. We like to get to know people and subjects really well. What makes people tick. Not just the latest gossip about what someone has done! But get us on to a subject that we really stimulates us and you may be surprised at our depth of knowledge and our passion and enthusiasm.
• finding environments overstimulating – in the right environments we can be extremely engaging. But we can be overstimulated a lot quicker than introverts. So we might be the ones to leave a party earlier as we’re tired …. and need to go home to recharge!

We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. But at times there can be a frustrating lack of understanding of introvert needs. So I really want to help get the word out there so that negative perceptions of introverts can be reconsidered. As I said earlier, this should start at an early age. Acceptance is key. And self-acceptance is extremely important in a world that can be very challenging for anyone. Living a life that suits your introverted needs can be good for not just your physical health but also your emotional health. Let’s give introverts the confidence to be introverts, and not a pale imitation of extroverts.

One of the things I have noticed over the years is how the media, and society in general, like to pigeonhole people.  We seem to love sticking people into boxes and put a label on them.  This is definitely the case with introverts.  Now I know when you talk about introverts there will be a certain amount of generalisation.  You have to generalise if you are talking about a group of people.  But not only does society tend to pigeonhole introverts, it also seems to misunderstand them as well.

However, having met quite a number of introverts, one thing that strikes me is our diversity.  The stereotypical image of an introvert is that:

1. we spend all of our time on our own

2. we are poor at social interaction

3. we are quiet

4. we don’t have much to say

5. we are slightly nervous and timid  

Whilst a lot of these negative perceptions arise from a confusion of shyness with introversion (they are not the same thing!), there also seems to be an assumption that ALL introverts suffer from these issues.

But if you take a look at the Myers-Briggs test, they have 16 different personality types.  They have Introversion or Extroversion as just one aspect of someone’s personality, with three other ways of looking at our own personal mix.  Our introversion is just one facet of who we are.  Admittedly it is an important part of our makeup, but it’s just one part.  For instance, one introvert might be very intuitive and like to make their decisions based on their gut feeling. Whereas another might consider themselves much more practical and would want to get a good sense of the facts before coming to a conclusion.  One introvert might like talking about their feelings.  Whereas another introvert might find that idea unbearable and would want to keep their feelings distinctly private.

Plus we are all on a sliding scale of Introversion and Extroversion.  You can have ambiverts in the middle, who are equally introverted and extroverted, all the way across to people who are extremely introverted or extroverted.  The impact of someone’s introverted side on an ambivert, as compared to someone who is incredibly introverted, might be much less.  For example, the effects from being around people for a long period of time, on their energy levels and stimulation levels, might differ to a large degree.

So I get a bit wary when I hear all these assumptions about how introverts must be x and how they must behave like y.  I see introversion as a useful starting point for asking who someone is.  It gives some background information on what their preferences are.  It can also help with people’s self-acceptance.  With so many negative, and frankly misleading perceptions being bandied around about introverts, an actual understanding of why we behave the way we do can be invaluable in accepting who we are.  

We are not anti-social.  It’s just sometimes, being around people for prolonged periods of time, can be exhausting for us.  We’re not short of opinions.  But we like time to think through the points we want to make and how we’re going to make them.  We’re not timid.  It’s just we like to give a considered opinion, after listening to both sides of the story.

So whilst I am an introvert myself and work with introverts, I certainly see a variety in the people I meet.  It’s for us to understand our unique personalities.  And to appreciate the uniqueness in others.